drank two beers while on the toilet at home during lunch break. new high or new low, not sure
Before he took my jeans off all he said was "no hard feelings from middle school right?"
i went to a real vip club. the bathroom attendant was wiping down counters after girls wearing gucci did lines of coke on them. where did MY life go wrong
And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."
grown man stumbling drunk down green street wearing nothing but a hot dog costume and crying. its not even noon yet.
omg. i wish i could describe to you the number of things that were just in my vagina. i feel like i got gangbanged by construction workers.
It's like a teen mom casting at the Obgyn's office. I feel great about my positive life decisions.
I was trying to get everyone to go to the bar but I puked on my hands, so nobody took me seriously.
she's fucked both of my roommates but not me. i feel like I'm not part of the group anymore
So you let the Viking explore your nether regions?
She rode my dick so hard I momentarily lost hearing. I guarantee I had the better St Patrick's.
Just went grocery shopping with a vibrator in my purse and didn't even realize it. This is what Saturdays are made for.
Wait wait wait. You are actually taking advice from this lunatic?
This is the girl who got a balloon full of cocaine through security no questions asked. Of course I'm taking her advice.
Valid.
Wrong Cuomo but I had a dream last night in which I was very sexually attracted to Chris
I finally selected an outfit that says "I'm not easy" but still shows off the tittays.
Randomize
