god please explain to me why there's blood underneath my fingernails AND toenails?!?!
Dude To be completely honest I don't think you want me to.
The worst thing about having a parent with a prius is that they can walk in on you without any warning
i just heard someone have an orgasm and then throw up through the vent in my room.
No.. It's totally over.. He deleted the poke I sent him.. That makes it official.
With me living this close to Mexico now, Tequila is just a geographical choice at this point if nothing else.
don't say the first was when I crawled under into the dressing room
Recycling my beer bottles from breakfast counts for earth day, right?
I still can't get over the fact that he thinks I have my life together... That has to be one of the nicest yet most sadly misled things anyone has ever said about me
tinder day one and i already had more guys message me about "the girl with the big tits in my second picture" than about me. MY 17 YEAR OLD SISTER CAN GET LAID WITHOUT EVEN HAVING TO MAKING A PROFILE
to be fair she does have a great rack
I called you last night? What did I say??
That you love me forever and that I'm the greatest in the world now mohammed ali is dead...
I am listening to my ipod while i puke, this is most entertaining hangover i have ever had.
Ha! Just garden hosed my vag and thought of you.
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
im ready to get drunk and forget everything ive learned this semester
I should have known when she mixed malibu and V8. It smelled just like tanning oil and when she drank it she said "Oh well, not the first time."
Randomize
