Puking blue powerade in mcdonalds parking lot to the applause of the guy taking out the trash with man in the mirror blasting in the background. Good morning stl
OMG MY MOM JUST ASKED IF I WAS GETTING PAP SMEAR TOMORROW VERY LOUDLY WHILE WE ARE STANDING IN A VERY PUBLIC LINE.
Had a 3 sum last night, and today food just taste better and the air seems so much fresher!
he sent me a naked picture of himself. things got awkward really quickly. but on a positive note he shaved his chest
Damn it if I pass out in the bathroom one more time this month im going to rehab...
wanna go with us to feed the ducks bread soaked in vodka?
how could i say no?
We fucked in his mom's shower and all I could think about was being too old to be sneak banging while someone's mom was out of town and how much mildew was on the shower curtain. Fuck you, Adulthood.
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
I give you full permission to seriously injure me the next time I think it's a good idea to face a bottle of vodka
I'm going to be fiscally responsible and buy a handle.
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
Somehow you're a lightweight AND an alcoholic. Rare combo in one person. Well done.
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
Its only once in a life time you get to pick your vcard swiper up from jail
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
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