WIFE SWAP. FAMILY OF MIDGETS. LIFETIME. NOW.
I'm on a mission to free the leash kids. Like liberating the Israelites from Egypt. Only better.
My professor just used "labia" and "numchucks" in the same sentence. I am dying.
Sitting in the library lobby in the middle of exam week. Drunk. Dressed as santas slutty helper. Waiting for the student shuttle service. People are clapping for me as they walk by. Tell me how this isnt college
What? Cold floors are soothing when you have a hangover. How am I supposed to pass that up. Even if I'm at my parents house
Not even the dog will look at me anymore.
found out the liquor store price matches. thus begins senior year of college
After we were done the second time she turned to me and called me a Hardcore Armadillo. Also, her O face involves crossed eyes. You tell me.
I have walked into stripper central, but I'm on the street at 1:00 in the afternoon
he's like watermelon oreos; I know they're gross and weird and I shouldn't like them, but I can't stop eating them because they're there.
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
Had a dream I dropped the L word and immediately threatened to kill myself
You probably shouldn't be having nightmares about expressing affection
Bro I just got a hand job playing tiny wings.. Hell yea
I either have food poisoning or I'm pregnant. Either way, I NEED JESUS!
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