508, what difference does it make? You were alone, anyway.
i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
she gave up head for lent, but she said sex was still fair game
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
She soaked the fruit in vodka for ten minutes and then mixed it with normal fruit and sherbert icecream. It was called "lottery fruit".
she's on the floor slapping my dogs face with slices of pizza
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
Playing pong against a girl who fucked my ex boyfriend so that's how my nights going
You know you're an adult when you start planning your hookup a week in advance
I've been sober for almost two weeks and it's been the worst two weeks ever. Even my mom told me I need to start drinking again.
I just saw your mom take a body shot off an undergrad, please tell me you're somewhere near by.
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