this morning i checked my reflection in the toilet as i was throwing up to make sure i still had my pearl earrings on
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
I just found a thank you note I apparently wrote to my bed last night for letting me borrow the comforter.
God gave him joint rollers for hands
In the middle of getting a blow job, she looked up at me and said "this isn't the first time I've done this today"
And we just chatted casually as i peed on the floor and she peed in the toilet
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
You shouldn't have to. I think you should bust into work like "pay homage to my magical vagina!"
I may or may not have pissed on my floor last night
Welcome to 22
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
She said she was hoping I'd be hotter. I told her I didn't see anybody standing in line to titty fuck her either. She was a great kisser.
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
it was awkward when he was taking off my clothes and i had to help him undo my fanny pack
I don't know what else to tell you.. just listen to some taylor swift and you'll know what to do in the morning
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