Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
There is something about listening to Patsy Cline while pooping that makes the experience so much better.
Does having sex in the men's bathroom on the boardwalk count as having sex on the beach?
Leave Me Alone
At least least me cry on your voice mail
decided to have an easter egg hunt this year. the golden egg has weed in it and all the others have shots of vodka. who said we were too old for easter?!?
I'm pretty sure this all started when I found a vibrator in my mom's sock drawer and had my first orgasm when I was ten...
Well I'm 2 for 2 with the absinthe, I just woke up in some random car behind the bar
you tried turning the bar into a spelling b competition last night and every time someone couldn't spell something you would make them chug.
It was your ex but it was not eighties night, it was pudding wrestling. And either thank you or I'm sorry depending on the state of my pants left on the doorstep
Unfortunately, the Bilbo Baggins adventure side of me that likes to go on adventures appears to be losing to the side of me that likes to smoke weed in the bathtub and watch Workaholics.
2 hours later, she made her cat watch the waterfall scene from Homeward Bound to teach her how good she has it here.
i think my cat just said my name.
All she said to me before going to get another shot was "Damn, I'd eat her out."
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
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