Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
went out last night and woke up on the bathroom floor again, thinking about just moving my bed in there.
my brother is a facebook fan of two things: God, and Rhianna. if he's not a prime example of the rare "baptist closeted gay," i don't know who is.
I feel like Captain Blackout doesn't do her justice. Brigadier General Blackout is much better.
I'm pretty sure this isn't my phone, but I do like these nude pics
Woke up on the floor holding a sandwich. Shots. Never again.
I don't think the car's salesman understands that I am about to vomit on him.
He said I could liberate his beef and all I could think about was how I don't eat veal for political reasons.
apparently putting your t-shirt on your head with a bottle of captain and telling girls your the pirate king of tallahassee doesn't work
This is the fourth day in a row I woke up with cheetos spread around me in a ritual pattern..this weed is unreal
You were petting your bowl of cocoa puffs and shushing it softly while staring at the mirror
He tried to introduce me to one of his friends that kept looking at me and I said "OH NO! I can't do this shit anymore!!" It was like I had a vision of what drunk me would've done in about 20 minutes.
No. We can't get pedicures until my toenails grow back.
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
Oh god, I forgot we had sex to Elton John
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