does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
drank two beers while on the toilet at home during lunch break. new high or new low, not sure
I'm pregaming before our pregaming dinner...with peanut butter and beer. I think I need to re-evaluate my budget...
Just the budget?
The chick I hooked up with last night is my girlfriend older sister. Who is in town visiting. Who I just met. Who I just had dinner With. Who is here along with their parents and the whole family. How did my luck get so bad?
Emergency! LinkedIn connected me to a hotornot hookup from sophomore year... slutty phase sphere has officially invaded grown up professional sphere. My illusions of interweb sexual anonymity have been exploded.
The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy
PLAN B IS EXPENSIVE ON A $50 A WEEK BUDGET.
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
Fell asleep with Kristen and woke up with Sarah. It's official, vacation has begun.
Apparently I blacked out and started wrestling with some dude last night. Just found out I might have dislocated his shoulder. Best part: he still wants to bone me
Dude, you GARGLED with bleu cheese last night!
No he can't come. I swear to gods he's "Why We Can't Have Nice Things" given physical form.
There's a baby in the strip club. I say again: THERE'S A BABY IN THE STRIP CLUB
Calm down I'm not kidnapping the bartender
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
Randomize
