i don't like sucking hair
How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
people would bow to what i just did to her vagina
She does have a great personality.
Yeah, in her vagina.
look, i dont wanna be "that girl" but if someone offers me coke in exchange for sex, i cant say no.
I don't want to die alone with cake watching shows about cake
Everything was going great until my fake mustache fell off when we started making out.
Ah, drunk me ordered sushi at 3 a.m. for sober me's lunch the next day. EXCELLENT
You've opened Pandora's butthole my friend. There's no going back.
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
I was so drunk I got stuck in the middle of a revolving door
My makeup bag looks like it has lips and wants to sing to me... Too high?
Unless you count my weekly workout where I drink wine, listen to obscure/cheesy records, and pretend I'm a ballerina...no. I don't exercise.
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
Randomize
