just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
you will always have a special place in my vag
she just totaled her parents new car because there was a bee in the car. So she crashed into a light pole to kill it.
I know i should have focused more on what you were saying in the text rather than the fact you spelt "suicidal" wrong
I just watched a guy pee from a second floor window onto the line of 100 people waiting to get in.
But I love Penises too much to give up on them. My phone capitalized Penises. It's like it knows I respect them
walk of shame to my ortho appointment. kids are staring. this little girl just asked her mom if she can havr glitter in her hair too.
Better than road-head. Just got model-home-head. Also got a disapproving scowl of judgment from the realtor on the way out.
I'm going to have to start playing roller derby again so I can blame my sex-related bruises on that.
He ran into the surf holding up a cigarette yelling "let the Olympic games begin!" So no, no vodka left.
Dear God, please let me get my period. And if this one is fiercer than usual I completely understand.
Well, he was my lawyer and now we get drunk and hook up.
That explains the way he looks at you.
During my first week as an adjunct prof, I played a fiercely fought game of squash with a law student and we wound up having hot, sweaty, angry sex right on the floor of the court. She is either the best or worst thing to happen to my academic career. Will let you know.
So I'm never gonna get to see you again?
Hopefully.
It involves me, my best friend, and a stripper and her mother.
Randomize
