Totally smoking with fifteen year olds.
when i grow up i'm putting garbage disposals in all showers of my house so when you vomit in the shower its easy clean up
Now there are two cop cars. If I go to jail I just would like to thank you for making me wear boxers.
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
Just got a blowjob on the pier where my great-grandfather entered America.
I feel like i could break down a fucking wall with this boner
Soooo, coming over soon?
I.V.'s should just be available for purchase at Walmart. God I'm dehydrated.
Oh god iv'e slept with this police officer before oh god oh god
Abby spilt her vodka all over the train's bathroom floor
WE'RE THE ONES DRESSED UP FOR THE LARGEST DRINKING HOLIDAY IN AMERICA WHO ELSE ON THIS TRAIN IS A SUSPECT FOR THIS SMELL?!
i passed out twice in the shower, twice on the bathroom floor, once holding the toilet bowl and 8 times moving from the bathroom to my bed. Tequila sucks.
I don't know how it happened. All I did was tell her I was impressed by her presentation. Her nail marks on my back ain't going away anytime soon.
You were supposed to be my wingman and all you kept to her friend was "kill it with fire"..
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
I passed out while searching "symptoms of narcolepsy"...
....I just did my boss
I love you. And I will hold your hand as we skip on the road to hell.
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