So drunk i had to piss sitting down...
its 9am. i just got home. spent 6 hours blowing him in a closet last night
Did she have bad breath? Bad breath makes you think of all the bad things in the world
she's crying while babbling "all i do is win"
Im going to buy a thermometer. If its above 104 im going to the hospital if its under 104 im going to the bar
He'll choke me during sex but he won't eat a strip of bacon. Vegetarians are weird.
Stoned in some guys basement listening to ELO. it's like its 1978.
You chugged 6 beers in a row and then outed your boss at a party last night.
That guy was cool until he tried fighting that dude in the bow tie. I need better wingmen.
i think im in europe. pls send help
I just dominated some guy while wearing your moms thong
She tried to fuck me right at the bar in front of everyone. She actually got my pants unzipped before I realized what was going on.
LISTEN TO ME! DONDE ESTA LA FUCKING VICODIN!
You should probably come home from vacation now. I make badddd decisions when you're gone.
im gonna miss him. and by him, i mean his dick
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