why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
After we had sex, she played this little piggy with my toes
fuck your aforementioned shoe
we just watched the ball drop on the spanish channel. best mistake of my life.
This girl just stopped in the middle of a sentence because of my blue eyes. She said she got lost in them. I am laying pipe tonight.
I really can't get over how proud I am of all us getting laid at the same time in the same apartment
After you vomited on the patrol car, you thanked the officer for helping you up off the ground. I don't think you realized you were being arrested.
I'd introduce you to the guys, but you'd probably make them all fall in love with you
I could do with a Floridian man-harem. Let's do this.
My life is like a drunken tornado. All over the place and never passing up fat girls
It's national boyfriend day supposedly, would it be appropriate if I posted a picture of my dildo?
He's pretty cool once you ignore the fact that he's trying to get into your pants
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
I'm discussing Magic Mike with my mom and totally get why she thinks I'm gay.
apparently ive been in a long term relationship for the past 1 1/2 years w/ out knowing
No one can touch me, I'm made of fruit.
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