I could hear his roommate in the background imitating my sex sounds...
It's summer and yet I still can't have one library session w/o seeing someone who has had their penis in me.
I know it's pride week, but your asshole is just never supposed to taste like banana.
The only reason we got away with streaking last time was cuz we had those miner hats
Just found a bottle of tequila in the washer.
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
I just saw a herd of slutty loofahs run down the street...
Let me tell you the story of bicurious george
That's not a funny feeling. That's hepatitis. You got it from that bar where everything was sticky.
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
She asked me to dress as captain planet for halloween and told me she was gonna suck the pollution out of my dick.
He pulled out a red and green condom and then started humming "Here Comes Santa Claus." Happy holidays indeed.
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
she crawled a good forty meters just to whisper in my ear... "dildon't"
I ended up sleeping with him in a public bathroom because neither of us remembered where we lived. I have hit a new low.
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