I feel like I'm in dance class right now
what happened last night??
everyone saw ******'s vagina
and that's just the beginning
At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
I came in and I guess my parents didn't hear me. My dad just said "Don't be lazy, RIDE IT." to my mom. Never coming home again.
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
Those were some damn good pancakes you made last night.
Dude I've been in FL since Monday.
The condition was that I had to eat her out to Beethoven
Fingerblasting some girl on the deck tryna get her to fuck on a lifeboat
She's impossible to please. Other than with two fingers and a tongue.
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
Woke up with a squirrel in my bed, how was your night?
I think he's an actor
That's not a good enough reason to wear guy-liner
He tried to get me to go back to his place on the condition that he has 6 cats. I was very tempted but I said no. Hoping to go see the cats tomorrow
What's the world record for number of orgasms reached on ones birthday? Asking for a friend.
That awkward moment when you bring a guy back to your place then have to tell him you only have magnums.
Randomize
