3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
Definitely locked eyes with the stripper who gave me a lapdance last night as she walked by me and into the Ann Taylor Loft in Times Square.
true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
My favorite part was when he stopped, looked up in the middle of performing oral sex and asked, "you did know it was Arbor Day, right?"
He just referred to himself as a sharp shooter. I had sex with that.
I brought him to this party even though we're not together anymore because we made a bet on who would have sex first, and it is a sausage fest up in here.
The trashcan full of everclear punch caught on fire...you should probably come home now.
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
I feel like we need a drunken piñata bash with your face being the piñata and my hopes and dreams being the stick
Last night at McDonalds, you lied across the counter, pulled up your shirt and yelled "BODY SHOTS"...
I refused to call him anything but Drake eyebrows all night.
Sometimes you've gotta crawl to stay concious
I walked out in my coconut bra, and that's when it all went downhill.
Randomize
