I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
please. tell me to stop eating out of the trash.
I hate myself for knowing the words to party in the USA.
I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
At dinner I grabbed his hand and he screamed "mom she just grabbed my penis" the proceeded to shove my hand down his pants! Hello Mr.Dick!
You guys seriously fuck to bieber? That's embarrassing...
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
Well... When your girlfriend fucks your sister, the 2 week courtesy window goes out the door.
Chill out, I'm getting ready as fast as I can. I didn't even masturbate in the shower.
Well his dad was his wingman, so I had to fuck him. I didnt want his dad to think that he was doing a bad job and I was drunk enough to think he was doing a good job.
Score one for dad.
I jumped out of a moving car going sixty into my driveway because I had to shit so bad. It is not a good day today.
it's not that I hate people, I just want to rip most of their faces off.
I saw a spider on my bed and my first reaction was to throw my weed bag to safety
not only did I call my ex crying but drunk me also deleted the phone log so I had no warning when I saw him in class
hotelroom bed is big enough to masturbate in, but small enough to not want to sleep in it after you've masturbated in it
Randomize
