if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
told my boyfriend i was a virgin so he wouldnt feel bad since he is. now hes asking why his dick is so itchy. should i tell him why?
i don't see why you should, it's not like you told the other guys with the itchy dicks.
Im already sauced. Have been for hours. Its kinda my thing.
remind me not to puke in the mesh trash can tonight
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
I feel as though the word "tired" has become synonymous with "too high to manage the stairs" lately
you came out with your cock in between the legs of a balloon animal. Maybe she'll think you have a sense of humor.
What kind of balloon animal was it?
Bro. Some kids just drive-by judged the shit outta me.
Its ok. Im having a low day. About to mix cake mix with milk and drink it.
the night probably should have been over when the guy let her fill out my mechanical bull waver for me because i couldn't read
I'm about to take my 7th shot and I have to to go to dinner with my grandma in an half hour. What is my life.
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
Some people are good at football, some people are good at painting, and he's good at being a fuckboy. Everyone has their talents.
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
people need to understand when I say I don't want to drink anymore that doesn't mean tempt me with another bottle of Jose Cuervo.
Randomize
