I'm watching a show called "I didn't know I was pregnant" on TLC...Apparently this happens enough that there is a series
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
Intramural soccer game tonight. Be ready for blood. I haven't sobered up since thursday
tell her i changed her phone's unlock password to be the length of my fully erect penis in centimeters. I'll be in my room for the next two hours.
She wants to go furniture shopping for memorial day so we've gotta go portable
thermos full of jaeger bombs?
Affirmative
What I'm saying is DOWNGRADE. Like, do you see the caps lock?
I can't believe I came last night staring into my profile pictures eyes.
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
I can't wait to shower all this regret off of me
Apparently 'ewww' is not the correct response to him saying he has to go to a funeral while I'm there.
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
If he's dating my cousin now, do I have to erase the pictures of his dick off my phone? Ugh, morals.
It’s a dick. Seen one, seen em all. Unless it spews a fountain of tequila, I don’t need to see yours.
His dick is social distance approved
Social distance approved?
big enough for me to fuck from six feet away
Randomize
