Get out...Run...Or there's going to be a dick in your mailbox
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
he fingered me, smelled his fingers, then asked me what i ate today..
You don't understand, Single Ladies is like the Don't Stop Believing of the gay community.
some guy just asked me if water gets in a vag when girls take a bath. WTF. it's not a wind tunnel!
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
Literally been drinking for 10 hours. Hammered. Roasted chestnuts fell out of my shirt earlier.
Its a good night to get drunk in my onesie.
I'm so happy I'm only on my second drink. That would have been the best idea ever if I was on my fifth.
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
I just told my mother my "if there are drugs I'm only taking them if I don't have to pay" rule and witnessed her perception of my shatter and crumble behind her eyes.
I am going to paint butt plugs like little Christmas trees and give them as gifts.
You could paint cock rings as wreaths.
1) break up with him. 2) feel bad. 3) fuck some other guy. 4) feel better. Boom! Life plan. You're welcome.
I'm on someone's yacht. I don't know who. But I'm on it. There's a guy passed out in a kilt holding bagpipes. Help.
there is glitter all over my balls
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