Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
woke up to find a pram in the balcony. first thing we did was look over the edge!
so I finished the entire bottle...next thing I know, it's 8 am and I wake up on the fucking beach in the low tide with a family standing about 30 feet from me just staring.
I mean, once you get beat with a dildo you can't look at someone the same
He thought I was flirting with him but really I just needed someone to hold me up.
He came, while we were making out fully clothed. I'm going to write a book.
officially hit rock bottom.. been yelling through the vent in my room to my little brother trying to convince him to get me water for the past two hours. i fear feeling the full effect of my hangover if i stand.
I hope my orgasm sounds aren't secretly that bad and no one tells me
How does this dude know what a dying walrus sounds like? That's the real question
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
Welp, dad and I drunkenly sang Christmas carols until the police told us to stop. I vote Xmas eve a success
Dropping acid was like seeing the whole world as a blank canvas to imagine anything I wanted.
And apparently all you wanted was to watch the sun explode and me take 60,000 dicks to the face.
As I was balls deep, she moaned "i can't wait to see what how hot our daughter will be". Instant de-boner
You don't understand. My ass is the color of eggplant.
So TMI but just realizing I have not masturbated since trump took office. He's sucked the sex drive out of me.
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
Randomize
