Did you REALLY have to twitter about our sex last night?
I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
That taco smell coming from your belly button was a huge turnoff
By the way, she says hi. At least I think she did since she licked my phone
just woke up COVERED in glow sticks and glitter. didn't even have to turn the light on to puke.
Underwear, t-shirt, bottle of Pinot Grigio and Golden Girls. I've hit a new level of homosexual.
Can vaginas get frostbite?
Just set up my first threesome: a rapper and a Marine. Pretty sure at least 80% of girls in America hate me right now.
That feeling when you're ready to convert to the religion of whatever god will stop the vomit. Dynamite is illegal.
Our host-mom was rubbing her back sympathetically going "muy bien, chica" while she puked on the beach. So yeah, I think we got the best one.
You went to a drug deal in a onesie.
Speaking of, what are you doing next weekend? I'm going to a rope bondage seminar and may need a partner if my date bails.
And no one can masturbate with the sound of Bernie's voice in the background
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
Randomize
