Luol and I just scored with two 40 year old married chicks. They dropped us off on the way to soccer prctic. The kids in the back were confused. Call me.
I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
I have "you made mistakes last night" written alllll over me.
He was streaking. We were hammered. We had roman candles. It only made sense to shoot them at him.
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
He woke up licked his hand and put it on my vag and went back to sleep. This is twice this week and its only wednesday
You said that my dog would "complete your puzzle" then you got naked and took it behind the bar
Just bartered a McD's cheeseburger and fries for two pitchers. Oregon Trail ain't got shit on me.
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
I think it says something about my life when I start picking up girls while im in rehab. And I don't think it's good.
Come to wine Wednesday bro. We have a fog machine
I am stoned and listening to the Olympics music I downloaded on Saturday. Best 6 dollars I have ever spent.
I accidentally kneed him in the balls while trying to straddle him so we ended up spending the night watching ffm porn online
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
You tried to order fondue take-out.
From Taco Bell.
Randomize
