I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
i chose cheese fries over sex for the third time this week.
id tell you what to do, but my morals dont exactly scream, "Listen to this guy!"
It says i should accept HIV aids as my friend on facebook.We have 12 friends in common. I need new friends.
we turned dreidel into a drinking game. i kept landing on gimel. im glad we have 7 more nights of this
i got really high and listened to the spongebob squarepants theme song and, i swear to god, it was in german.
They just caught the deck on fire and I ran out with cups off the beer pong table filled with water from the toilet. It was the closest water source.
I walked in and saw him spread eagle on the couch beatin it, while he just pet the dog that sat there and stared. mom was pissed
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
I yelled "NO FLEX ZONE!!!" at the guy that thinks it's cool to take off his shirt at the party then proceeded to puking
Once someone takes a shit in your toilet they are no longer a guest.
Fuck you. Fuck this party. I just wanted to be pretty with a cute little tiara and boys sucking my tits, now i have a hangman game drawn on my face and jello shots in my hair.
I wanted to give you a great birthday party. You know I did.
one of my students asked me today if i was having a baby. fuckin 4 year olds and their lack of filter. time to get back to the gym i guess
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