he just had his sister send me a message about how he's not a creeper
Was his mother too busy breastfeeding him to do it?
its like playing clue every morning after we party. she did him in the kitchen with..oh god.
Just got roadhead while going 95. I came for a mile and a half.
It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
As soon as he told me I had a 'pretty laugh' I knew I'd be putting out more than I had originally planned.
Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
so i say "rick dont build that sandcastle" and he "says ok i wont" then i wake up and its sandcastle fucking city all over my apartment
he quoted the bible to break up with me
Hypothetically, if a stripper with braces bites you on the cleavage and it leaves an open wound, do you need a tetanus shot?
I literally told her "she's a sandwich I'd like to make" and that's all it took
I'm like still hungover from the quinceanera.
I've already come to terms that I'm gonna have to bone a few gross librarians, but hey, it's college
She yelled out "MCDREAMY" mid orgasm
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
I just found peanut butter between my boobs. This was for you.
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