Already got asked if we're dating
we were watching porn and trying to copy the position they were doing now i think my hip is dislocated
I would invite you but we are high and there is an AK-47. Not your scene.
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
Dont judge me. He may have been ugly but he was INCREDIBLE. He's like the Susan Boyle of sex.
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
I'm okay with corrupting his young mind.
Ew! He's just a child!
AND I'M GONNA SHOW HIM HOW TO MAKE ONE.
Was it high me or sober me who put those Jolly Rancher sticks in the freezer? I'd be soooo impressed if it was high me.
I told your dad we had a nice lunch and hung out for awhile. It seemed more appropriate than "I had a bite of his canned chili and then we ripped each others clothes off."
NO SHITSVILLE I just saw a homeless dude punch a pigeon that flew by him
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
strip vodka pong is never a good idea. I saw into his colon when he picked up the ball off the floor
He's only giving you free adderall so you can focus on his dick.
Also I just had a pointless meeting and the only thing I accomplished were my kegals
one of my coworkers asked me if I was PMSing today...... excuse me sir, but it is none of your business as to what my uterus is or is not doing right now. fucker.
and yea, I'm PMSing.
Randomize
