how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
woke up this morning with "hah" written on my penis.i was like wtf?? morning wood kicked in and found out what it really said, haNNah.then i remembered.
being alone eating nachos and drinking from a giant munchen beermug really isnt that sad
whatever. as long as im no longer referred to as the girl who fucked the pledge on his big brother's couch.
Why the fuck is the royal wedding at 4am. That is obviously not the most appropriate time to drink during finals. It's like I'm bound to fail, by royal decree.
Well they kicked us out after we started heckling the acrobats
So, your mugshot picture is behind the counter at B-Dubs, with the caption: "not allowed on premesis."
He made me sneak beer in the diaper bag... guess who is winning 2012 parents of the year
Reminder: You could have had sex with me while wearing a tiara.
At 38 I had to open a Snapchat account to communicate with my 21 yr bf. where is my life going.
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
Came home to butt plugs and dildos in the bathroom sink WTF
Spring cleaning
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
I took a picture of you last night while you were drunk, trying to smoke a bowl through your nose. It's now your contact id.
Randomize
