with your own penis?
mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
We played Russian Roulette with a revolving Nerf gun. If you shot yourself in the face, you had to drink.
I woke up at 5 this morning face down on my bed with gummy bears stuffed in my leggings. Yeah.
Said he had been eating pineapple for a week before our 1st date. Not sure if thankful for his consideration or offended by his assumption.
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
The fact that he just came out makes his Lent commitment to give up gay sex so much more meaningful now.
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
I woke up spooning with a broom that someone taped a mustache too..i need to stop starting my nights by drinking "hangover" wine.
I dnt think she needs convincing on the threesome part, it's the threesome with your roommate situation that needs some work
But I swear to god if I'm awkwardly there while you try to have sex with someone again I'm getting high with your dad
I feel like an involuntary Mother Theresa. I DON'T WANT TO BE ABSTINENT!
just the thought of you slurpin down noodles really rustles my jimmy
you suck at sexting
everytime he speaks i want to fuck him less. i just wanna tell him to shut up and take his pants off and we could both be happy.
He was a Cher impersonator. They are the draggest of queens
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