Maybe if you date her you can take a dump on her
when you wake up try not to move. we are betting to see if more sprinkles stuck to you or the pong table.
Climbing through a window thats four feet off the ground isnt the easiest thing when youre high, trust me.
LSD in a sugar cube. Dropped it in my whiskey sour and felt like I was rowing a boat.
Almost there.
define "almost". like I have enough time to watch a youtube video or oh shit, put on some goddamn pants because they're in the driveway.
Seeing Grandma lick chocolate sauce off of the male stripper was definitely not the way I planned to enter the world of legal drinking.
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
drinking vodka, listening 2 smh at 530am slow cooking beef stew. you'll enjoy the stew and worry abt me in the morning. bon apatite
I seriously just drove by a man walking down the street wearing hospital scrubs, an 80s track jacket, gold necklace and carrying a flute.
I literally just smashed open my grade school piggy bank for beer money. Goodbye childhood. Hellllllo coin night.
I gave him a blowjob to kill bill. 2 of my favorite things.
you asked the cab driver if he wanted to meet your parents, last night.
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
Randomize
