there is a homeless man oan crack poledancing on a fence... now hes humping it...
You all can go fuck yourselves. As far as I'm concerned, don't come back to karaoke.
She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.
Sharon took in a random bleeding stranger drunker than her, named her Nicole, and is feeding her jello shots on the toilet
if i find out your the one who pierced my belly button im going to fuck your sister again
Using the salt from a pretzel bag for tequila shots. Come over.
come find me. Outside the bar we were just in waving my syringe in the air
Good. We don't answer calls at dick thirty.
Curdled. you forgot that word. It was a curdled buttery nipple shot.
Signs of a stoner: trying everything in your fridge topped with peanut butter to seek satisfaction.
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
You just kept yelling "you ain't got no pancake mix." to the tv screen
Is it bad that if I found out I couldn't have kids I'd be more pissed that I've been using unnecessary condoms than the fact that I'll never be a mother?
I have so much to do, no motivation, and Harry Potter is on. You KNOW whats taking priority in my life right now
My life is a random series of events connected only by bottles of Seagram's 7
Randomize
