Who spends 33 dollars at Taco Bell and lives???
i just dedicated my kegstand to your breasts
Take your time, they're doing body shots off the dog.
I really should sober up and deal with this hangover
It seems to be one of those life decisions I'm perfectly content never making though
No. I didn't know. I thought mid afternoon shots meant the day could only get better.
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
just in the smoking shack with my sister cheering on a caterpillar make its cocoon
I came to the party for him. I don't know where he went, but I mentioned being hungry and his housemate brought me a huge tupperware container of berry cobbler. I think I'll stay.
No amount of beer will make me feel better about this. It's time for Emergency Whisky
This time last year, you were undressing me from my gecko costume and getting freaky in a public bathroom. Tough to top that New Years Eve.
I was telling my friend about your penis and the only word I could think of was voluptuous. You have a voluptuous dick.
Everything is fine, it's not hung over in here at all\n\n*Narrator* *but in fact everything was not fine*
GOD DAMN IT I COULD HAVE HAD A MOTHERFUCKING 3 WAY LAST NIGHT. WHY BOOZE, WHY?!
To be honest, I'm more surprised when you're not high at this point
She’s the kind of asshole whose face I want to put on a T-shirt just so I can go outside and burn it.
Randomize
