Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
you're putting all your eggs in a very hungover basket
I just realized this is gonna be the last time that I'm high in my childhood home. I'm kinda sad. I'm really high..
I really wanna punch him. Right in his cell-phone-sized penis
He invited you over for Super Sexy Saturday and Cosmos... I'm pretty sure that's gay
I had a dream last night that you and me were eating cheesecake and according to my FATHER I was moaning really loud in my sleep. I seriously have issues.
Sophomore year, I fucked on your desk chair. I'm sorry. I love you.
Someone tried to flush pizza down the toilet. Well, at least tried to
She thinks I come over for the sex, but I really come for the snacks.
Well just saw that professor I hooked up with on campus and I look like a dumpster baby
don't do laundry while your drunk! i found a ketchup bottle & clothes hanger in the washer this morning!
HE IS. YOU SHOULD TOUCH HIS BACK.
IT IS A COURTSHIP RITUAL.
THE MUTUAL BUTT TOUCH IS SACRED.
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
I know she’s pissed I fucked her husband, but I didn’t know he was married until after I blew him at Legoland
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