She made me repeat after her: "I take responsibility for what I put in my own mouth."
this just has baby written all over it
Well hello freshman 15, didn't see you there until I tried on last years summer clothes.
counting down the days left of school on my birth control packet.
We followed the campus tour around in a golf cart drinking PBR and blasting "Sexual Healing."
I misjudged the power of my pelvic thrusting capabilities. His nose is broken. Thoughts?
I'm actually not sure I need to run today, between the crazy monkey sex and breaking into my own house.
God, you're amazing. I just want to hang out with you in the nude and watch Monty Python movies whilst we quip about how comedians just aren't as funny anymore.
Credit for originality. Points off for a mild to moderate creepy factor.
They were arguing about who would hit the piñata first so naturally you tore it open with your hands. You broke the piñata and their hearts.
My bank account got hacked so he showed up with a 6 pack wearing a superman cape to cheer me up and you question why I love him?
Floor bacon is actually really good
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
I've just realized that today's rations have consisted of turkey bacon and jack Daniels.
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
just spent the last 20 minutes cleaning out the soap dispenser. fuck. me. adderall.
Randomize
