i dont know whats so great about being respectable.
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
I just figured I'd let u know that you bought a yacht on ebay last night
You haven't puked in my sink in over a year.. Youre coming over this weekend
Bought two parrots for us. I'm keeping them at the Bellagio.
Come down here. We are watching people walk through the paper we taped in front of the elevator.
I can't drink with the moms anymore. All they talk about is lactating.
I'm really having trouble focusing on shark week with this erection
tried to out drink an american air force weapons loader. never again
I didn't know where we were going to start fucking, so I just strategically hid condoms all over the house before he came over.
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
I never realized how you can accidentally go home with someone until tequila got involved.
If you're doing something that makes your best friend lock you in a bathroom you shouldn't be doing it
I have easymac and six pack of beer. This night can't get any better.
Sex was followed by homemade breadsticks. I waited till after the breadsticks were gone to tell her i had a gf.
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