Bea Arthur died yesterday
You shut your stupid mouth
Betty White is next, I just know it.
Betty White will never die! She's like Dick Clark. Rue McCalahan is next.
i just realized i have an entire drawer dedicated to the clothes of guys ive shacked with...
This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"
I'm literally partying with O.J. Simpson's son right now. I don't know what to make of this.
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
My vagina is depressed thinking about her future.
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
I want to tell everyone I've ever met about how he him picking me up and fucking me against the wall was the highlight of my life. Worst lesbian ever.
A sexy devil squat down and peed in front of Tom Hanks from Castaway.
with great strapon comes great responsibility.
Just bought condoms with a walmart gift card. Thanks grandma.
That moment when you sit down to shit and someone is watching porn on the other side of the wall.
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
dude. i woke up on a random lawn wearing only my boxers, with all my clothes hung in the branches of a nearby tree... no more shrooms
Randomize
