It was laundry day and I was wearing last xmas undies. he took one look and went...you's a ho, ho, ho. my response you ask? for less dough, dough, dough. I'm a slut.
with a sacreligious after taste.
I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
found some acid from a couple months ago while looking through christmas lights. Looks like santa came early this year.
we were going to warn you, but we veto-ed that idea somewhere between "this is the stupidest thing we've ever done" and "let's order a pizza"
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
One question: Why is your trash can full of blood and pop-tarts?
new plan: i think the keg will fit in my purse.
It was like god placed me in his bed and said," here's your shot girl. Don't mess this up." And I looked at god and laughed in his face.
This is going to be another afternoon spent getting drunk in the shower, isn't it?
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
Just finished my quantum homework in ladies room writing with eyeliner. I am the party/physics champion.
My going away gift was all of them dancing around with solo cups on their dick and balls...these are my friends
Some days you ride the struggle bus. Other days, it gets a flat, the AC breaks, and you run over a bunny.
i woke up and couldnt remember who was in my bed and it was so dark.. i rolled over and started kissing him and feeling his face because hey... if the blind can see like that.. maybe i could too
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