i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
This concert is like a reunion of all my bad sex.
new rule: i'm not touching his penis until he takes me out to dinner.
you know, if you actually abided by that rule there would be many more successful restauranteurs in ohio.
I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."
When She took off her bra.... A tube of lipgloss, her phone, I.D. And a wad of twenties fell out.... I'm officially no longer a butt man
We can add pilot to the list of people who's lives I've changed...with my penis.
i was drunk enough to give the cab driver my number when he said "you talk like you like guys"
They're magnificent. It's like god made her last but hadn't fulfilled his boob quota.
You know your horny when you have a sex dream about Ace Ventura, if your wondering he's awful
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
I swear if you laugh while im moaning i will immediately stop and go home.
First. I had the strength. Now. I am the death.
It's a herpes check up not a beauty pageant
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
Nothing cures your heart after a boy calling you unattractive than a big fat dick
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