so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
youre totally missing out on eating your boogers right now. my entire face is numb
ya, but you'll graduate college with a higher education. I'm looking at at least two addictions, an abortion, and a few weeks jail time.
That's fuckin bs. I had the bouncers beat by 30 yards til that dumbshit on the moped stopped in front of me.
can i text him and be like "oh yeah, forgot i kinda made out with a girl this weekend. For future reference, does this count as cheating?" ?
to have them in my mouth would be like meeting a unicorn while floating on a cloud of glitter
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
I've been vomiting all day.
All day? It's 10am.
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
No, I'm not a heathen. You two are the heathens, I'm the whore.
why does every cop we meet know your name?
He was talking about his friends deceased ferret and I still managed to orgasm.
Now THAT is dedication!
I am no longer and illegal Moonshiner. I just made thousands of gallons of incredibly High test alcohol with police watching and waiting for thare couple of jugs so that they can bring home and disinfect their houses with it. I'm fat with money at the moment.
that's the second time my extensive knowledge of taylor swift has gotten me laid
Randomize
