I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
I wish I could tape me & him having sex. Not for pornographic reasons, just for comic relief.
Standing here next to my mom talking to my friend trying to act like he doesn't sell me E every weekend.
u sent me just one boob. one just doesnt do it for me. u dont get full on a half a rack of ribs u need a full one
I had to move some guys boxers out of the dryer. This is the closest I'll be getting to dick this month.
I feel like this whole "telling that guy i have a kid to avoid him" thing is getting out of hand..
How so?
Probably at the point when i told him i was "Too drunk to drive" and "had to pick up my kid" all in a span of like 2 hours.
she was pretty happy for someone in the middle of a herpes outbreak, how was i supposed to know?
He thinks that since we have been dating six months, that he can do the helicopter with his penis. Not okay.
I assume you will show your seat mates your vibrating cock ring.
I hope you don't have to start the day explaining to me how you failed to turn "Can I practice my belly dancing in your apartment" into all night sex.
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
When are your genitals available?
The stall at this bar had mirrors all around. I just looked at myself take a shit from like 3 different angles
There's a 50-50 shot that I will wake up with an ass tattoo tomorrow.
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
Randomize
