I'm not high anymore, I decide when it's done.
He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
I miss the good ol days when id just come home from school and thered be a costco size box of condoms on my bed.
my parents really loved me back then.
Idk I somehow continue to get laid by pulling my dick out and reciting the 3 world country orphan kid commercials
Also just throwing this out there I don't think anyone who brings another girl back to your bed to share with you can qualify as a frigid bitch
You just referred to a pillow with a stolen bra strapped to it as "she". Let that sink in for a minute.
He had an extremely smooth butt for a man with such rough hands.
Let's go get coffee and handcuffs.
once he tried to wake me up from my hangover nap to have sex, that's when things went downhill. he had to go.
Give it up bro. I’m not wearing pants or a bra and only an act of god could change that
I'M SO HIGH I FORGOT HOW TO EAT A STRAWBERRY. A FUCKING STRAWBERRY.
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
Randomize
