the only difference between me and a prostitute was that i complained a lot more.
at a bar with my ex girlfriend.. both men AND WOMEN are hitting on her.. and not one has even looked at me
she makes me feel like im THAT guy in the taylor swift song
We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
and then he proceeded to take what he called, a whip cream shower.
I want nothing more to get stoned and go to your little sisters petting zoo party but I need to have priorities
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
i was drunk enough to give the cab driver my number when he said "you talk like you like guys"
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
We just taught the Brazilian how to smoke out of a vuvuzela.
Cause a man that looks THAT good must have an ass that tastes like lucky charms
Last week in my political science paper I quoted the Mighty Ducks. This week, I compared the Constitution to a weird pickle law in Connecticut (by law, it's not a pickle unless it bounces). So, yeah, clearly I'm ready to be back to being a college student.
"I played a game called "how drunk can you get in a minute" last night. How was your Thursday?"
I kinda just want to steal him and keep him forever
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
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