There is a stranger person in my roommates bed...
I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
What's the most polite way to ask if you puked in my vase?
he came in the shower with me...i thought it was going to be nice and romantic...until he started peeing on my leg.
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
hr gave me pretxwk salad and a doubke shot of grey goose. i approve! tou guys are a beautidil couple.
Yes I have a handle on life. A handle of Svedka.
I don't think we had sex because when I woke up he was still wearing the chicken suit.
It's one of those mornings where you wake up and want to go to church for the first time in ten years. THAT shameful.
I'm okay. We got a prayer rug sent to us with the face of jesus on it. From Tulsa Oklahoma. Kinda weird.
I asked the cop if I could see his dick- It's not like he could arrest me twice.
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
i don't know what body building stuff he's on, but his cum is basically a 5 hour energy shot.
Now, I know I say this a lot, but you've obviously never seen my penis.
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