Yeah but my nose is so stuffed if I tried to give him head I'd suffocate
having sex with you is like teaching a dog to tango, it DOESN'T work
I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
Don't forget your talking to the guy who got arrested for throwing beads back at the Mardi Gras floats. You can't deny that's a first, and neither could that cop.
Getting drunk now, but later remind me to tell you how to crash an 8th grade grad party.
Wasn't a date. In exchange for artichoke dip I received a bj. And sex. It was a transaction.
It's 9am. I'm four lines ahead of you already. Wake up.
I'll be gone when you wake up but you hit a girl so I knocked you out. Never hit a girl. Unless it's with your penis.
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
I'm using my breathalyzer result sheet as a coaster for my 40.
We just got home a lil bit ago. No sorority girls showed except the ugly swimmer chick and she asked if I've ever faked an orgasm.
I lost my bra at his grandma's house so there's that.
MUFFINS DON'T MAKE YOU ORGASM MULTIPLE TIMES OR HAVE ROCK HARD MUSCLES.
He just chose domino's over sex. ARE YOU KIDDING ME?
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
Randomize
