If someone cant be won over with guacomole and tequila they are not worth your time.
got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
can you take me to a tanning bed
sure, why though?
i have to go once so i can blame these herpes on the tanning bed and she won't get suspicious
Went biking. Saw homeless guy beating in the park. Thought of you <3
Do you think she's aware of my deep hatred or should I set her hair on fire in her sleep?
Walked in on my boss having phone sex at work... and somehow this didnt bother nor embaress him
Just rinsed and put my styrofoam cup of noodles in the dishwasher. I need to be not hungover ASAP
All I've had today is a brownie and a shot of Jack, so you know. I'm doing ok.
I just wanna say I did some math and I lasted 1,052,000 more minutes than you at the bar before I got kicked out. That's 729 days. Bitch
Woke up with two different flip flops on sum burnt at the beach. Who are these French kids plz come back
At a bar across from the city police station. I PROMISE I will do something great.
Also I ordered a dildo and I'm not sure if I want it still, so there might be a free dildo in your future
Dude, you fell into a tree, and both of the tables, AND the window well... Resilient aren't you?
In hindsight, maybe rearranging his living room because he has OCD while he was out wasnt the greatest idea. Though it'll keep him busy for HOURS
Nothing like having a family watch you dry heave at the end of the dock
Randomize
