Your face is a jimmy john
Got a little crazy huh? Happy st pattys day. None of you have any idea where my credit card would be do you? How do i always lose
She wouldn't stop telling me the story of the penis and how she got laid.
I am the Bobby Fisher of drunk asss puking
I've been crying in my room listening to Billy Joel for 2 hours. Thank God Four Loko was banned.
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
He's single. I'm single. We should rekindle our eighth grade romance over a box of wine and carefree sex.
Hey, this is Travis. I just so intelligently deduced that I am in a college dorm somewhere in western oregon. Probably WOU, based on the process of elimination.
Well obviously when I get drunk my intelligence level surpasses yours and that's why you can't understand me.
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
How's my sex life is me mastubating next to her dog. that's how it's going.
I did this clutch move yesterday at the bar where I grabbed a plastic cup for water and discreetly threw up in it while walking around and then tossed it. It was my best boot and rally ever
not sure what stings more, my ass or my pride...
And by "have lunch together" you mean me giving you a blow job in the back of your Tahoe, right?
I just puked into a clean basket of laundry.
Randomize
