Dude we need to petition the city about running buses later, none of my booty calls own cars
Just had a dream about an abnormally large bottle of tequila. No more depressed drinking for me.
I have jerked off in every room in your house. *the more you know
there's a liquor store near my therapist
i might give it a shot.
Oh wow. Was walking and just saw her in the pool, fully clothed, ranting on an alligator float. I guess i should go get her before security gets here.
thanks for the bloody nose. you probably dont remember, i'm not mad.. only because your boobs are to blame
Missing part of a tooth cos I tried to open a beer with my teeth, just saw a dude that looked like bill Cosby though so things are looking up
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
red lips, whiskey sips, shaking hips, nipple slips. my life as a rap song.
We're you guys there last night when everyone started chanting "Nacho Steph"? Someone picked me up, carried me to the nacho cheese and made me do a nacho cheese stand.
So what are you going to be for halloween?
A woman sitting on her couch watching Hocus Pocus.
dude, im taking a shit and i just realized it's his MOM in the shower not him...oh fuck
You drunk? Cause I have a terrible idea...
I'm talking to this guy I met online about French toast. I am the oddest fucking combination of hungry and horny. Wtf brain.
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
Randomize
