I'm pretty sure my penis yawned halfway through. That loose.
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
We need to talk about our relationship.
I just won a bet involving 10 tequila shots. You've got about 3 minutes
Slutapocalypse this thursday. Invite every freshieee you hooked up with this semester to my house. Think of it like a meet n greet for them and battle of the sluts for us.
I'm sick of being broke. I had vicodin and frosting for lunch.
The entire time I'm blowing him she's in the back seat lecturing me on the reasons why you're not suppose to do that while they're driving...
Every time I try to stand up the back of my head feels like a bunch of little elves are beating the inside of my scalp with their toy making tools. What disease could this be?
Taking Gomer to the ER. He tore something trying to stretch his nutsack enough to put his balls in his own ass. I need new friends.
I have to be at work in a hour. Can you sufficiently fuck me in 35 minutes?
I think my boss gives me work off weekends because he doesn't want me showing up hungover anymore..
She's walking to the bar while holding a fifth of fireball, talking on the phone and puking like its nothing out of the ordinary
Babe if there was a way to give a back rub and head at the same time that's what I would ask for my birthday, Christmas and of course right now. Please think about how and get back to me.
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
The amount of illegal things I've done this weekend is astounding.
What use have I for dignity? It just get's in the way of the really fun stuff.
Randomize
