dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
I'm on the bus and the homeless person in the seat to my left is jacking off to a cartoon picture he found. He's now cleaning up with mitten I dropped.
She sucked her thumb until she was 17. It's like my dick was born to be in her mouth.
Bring my lunch to work in liquor store bags is doing nothing for my career
I elbow dropped a bag of ice to break it so we could make margaritas. I bled everywhere. Be proud.
Dude. He put me on a rewards point system for his dick. I have to do him favors now to build up to winning sex. This is shit.
I plan on showing these boobs to so many people that by the end of it ill just have a shirt of beads.
....I feel like you are deciding whether or not I'm good enough for you based on what I ordered from Chipotle.
The brazilian leg lock that the stripper put me in was definitely the highlight of the night
I still have your make up all over the inside of my thighs from the face sitting. Free tonight?
no he just sat there holding the hammer and grinning insanely
My rule for unemployment is that I can't smoke before noon.
I haven't gotten up before 1 though, so it hasn't really impacted me.
I think someone is dead in a car across the street
Scratch that, dude's getting a blow job
the awesomest thing about staying behind in our lame ass dorm room by myself during spring break: I've now nutted in 3 inconspicuous locations on your side of the room. brag to me again about how fucking awesome tahoe is you shithead. I dare you.
Where'd you go?
Laundry, im. A responsible drunk
Randomize
