If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
just passed a tour group on my way home. the guide actually said: 'and THAT kids is whats known as the walk of shame'
this boner is exhausting
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
Law school has no idea what kind of prospect they have coming in. I just convinced a cop not to take me to jail by asking him if he really felt like cleaning puke out of his car tonight.
Ok. Here's the plan. Take your hand (whichever is closest), summon all your nerve, and just stick it right down his pants.
I love you.
Just so you know, your wedding is in the same place I gave my first bj.
when you're a senior and the freshman guy you wake up next to asks who you are, you DO NOT give him your real name.
I wish I could have seen the drive thru woman's face after " May I please have 20 Mcflurrys.....and a large diet coke, I'm trying to watch my weight for bikini season."
I am taking a candle lit bath, blasting some tupac and smoking a fat bowl. This is how every night should end. Did you go take a piss in his car yet?
Watching my ex make out with another girl is weird.
But she's wearing a jumpsuit so I feel better.
Gotcha. How bad is it?
Well to compare it to something I would say it what's that walls would like inside the primate exhibit at the zoo after a group of monkeys finished throwing feces at each other all afternoon
He sent me a blank text message. That's a booty call waiting to happen
He obv doesn't know that telling a woman to chill will get him murdered
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns
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