we weren't quite sure what was on that mirror, so we snorted it and hoped for the best
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
I won't drink with you again until you promise to not feed me anymore paper bags
No, I've only ever seen his brother's dick. So when I have lucid sex dreams, I just do a little cut and paste in my mind and stick his bro's package onto him.
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
The party was Hollywood themed and I won an oscar for "finest ass in a leading role"
Have 7 min to kill while I wait for liquor store to open. Feels really awkward.
I am more than mildly offended he didn't screenshot the snapchat of my boobs.
A shark bit my leg in the Gulf of Mexico well me and the T were banging so look for it in the papers
He told me he loved me and I told him I shit myself
this dude is way too smart. he just explained to me the different scientific components of drugs while we smoked. i said i loved icecream.
I’M DRUNK AND EXCITED.
all i remember is arguing with the chick that yahoo was better than google
all you were doing was yelling YAHOOOOO in her face
so i won
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
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