i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
all the sharp corners in my house are covered with litter foam blocks. al set for partying
Just saw a british exchange student take a flyer for free dental care. Yes.
It's summer and yet I still can't have one library session w/o seeing someone who has had their penis in me.
Welll when you have a beer at 8:30 am you've already decided whaat kind of Sunday it ism
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
Yes I want to fuck your friends but it's out of respect and love for you.
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
The ultimate Father's Day bonding experience: Both getting bailed out of jail by mom for mooning some shithead cop.
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
Dude, putting on underwear straight out of the dryer is the greatest thing ever. It feels like I wrapped my vagina in a warm blanket.
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
i stood outside in the bushes for thirty minutes. Do you know how many drunk guys pee in bushes at 2 am?
This whole brainwashing thing is easy!
Randomize
