I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
my sex list reads like a who's who of mcdonald's general managers
Those are some awfully high standards for someone of your weight
I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
just got super drunk mixing jägermeister with my lyme disease meds. even if my face goes paralyzed, at least i got smashed from it.
I feel like his dick looks like a decorative autumn squash.
In my drunkeness I was planning how to throw up without my parents hearing. I was gonna go for a "run" and just throw up outside.
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
You told me to ditch them in the park, and when she jumped onto the car to stop us, you told me to scrape her off against a parked Jeep. That drunk.
Just paid off my possession ticket on 4/20. Helloooo awesome.
Its okay that he doesn't remember you, he only remembers girls by their boobs and I think you were wearing a jacket
I tried to light my cup as a bong. I'm done drinking
I just called my boyfriend "Dad"... Awkward
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
Randomize
