I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
we put on a show in the hot tub for our boyfriends, then climbed out and both got down on our hands and knees and puked at the same time--still naked.
i was considerably less excited after they told me my present didnt have a penis
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
We were eating hotdog buns dipped in French onion dip in lawn chairs at 4am. That drunk
Just warning you now f you do not get intoxicated with me in front of the family on thanksgiving we are not related.
You know what my problem is? I'm like a machine designed for the sole intention of removing the pants from damaged girls.
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
I feel like we should actually go to church one of these days to thank god for saving us from herpes and babies.
You have plans tonight?
Stress crying into a bottle of long island ice tea mix...other than that nope
He's in the hospital yelling at his brother to at least have stuck something "normal" up his ass.
Again?
Also, I'm going to yoga because I have a Taylor Swift range of emotions right now.
he doesn't sweat normal. maybe that's what THC smells like coming through the sweat glands...
Well I woke up at my house so that's a plus. But I'm pretty sure I peed on my sofa because I woke up in the pee position.
Is it appropriate to send an apology gift to his roommates for breaking the bathroom sink during crazy sex?
Randomize
