: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
I just got a bj @ my old preschool...my childhood memories r all ruined
My parents showed me my IQ test from fourth grade, I'm shitting on my potential.
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
Also, I had a dream I had a ray gun and woke up holding my dick.
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
I think this baby is eyeing my beer
Well then sir I'll probably see you tomorrow after my class and at 3 with your clothes off. Sounds like a solid way to start the weekend to me
PS- My flight is being emergency landed bc someone smuggled cats on the plane.
My mom just asked if I've gotten any girls pregnant how is your day going
I just woke up drenched in beer, in a puddle of beer, and cuddling a bottle of tequila
Sometimes at I wake up from a dead sleep at 1am and call the bar just to hear the clink of the glasses and the pouring of the beer on tap in the backround
Ok, stop saying "youths." You're 23.
Just a reminder- you dropped broccoli in my car and then felt bad for it and named him Henry
I know. I miss henry.
Yeah totally passed out in their trash can last night.
Randomize
