so i told her that taking semen on the face helps make your skin smoother.
and?
luckily she was drunk enough to believe she had really bad acne...
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
Is there a nice way to say "I like you, but I hate your dick?"
is it bad that I didn't wash the cum out of my hair because it keeps my curls intact?
THERE ARE SO MANY GREAT DICKS IN THE WORLD. HOW DID I NOT DISCOVER THIS SOONER!?
im trying to find a facebook picture of him that doesnt make me regret sleeping with him. its not working
Shot gunning beers for breakfast. You better be ready for today.
People said that when they tried to talk to me I answered that there was a glass around my head stopping me from answering them
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
Ikeep having to ask jim if I'm actually talking. I canmt feel my body...this is what Christmas is all about
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
I want to pinterest what I want to do with my pubes. Why isn't there a board for that?!
How did I roll 7 times this month and survive?\nI must be some sort of ecstasy goddess
And then after we fucked he wouldn't stop calling me "champ". It was like I had sex with an extremely attractive soccer coach
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