My roommate got wasted last night and went to the 24 hour Bally's Total Fitness at 3 A.M. He got back took his shirt off, made a protein shake, puked, asked me if he was almost as jacked as Ronnie Coleman then called ME gay before I could say anything and went to bed
Ive given up on my natural charms. Im trying different accents till some girl wants to hook up with me.
I made weed fried chicken. What have you done today?
Sometimes you just need a break, and sometimes you also need to get stoned on these breaks. I sound like some kind of fucked up mr rogers when I say shit like that.
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
I have a fannypack full of condoms and acid. Let's get weird.
I'll explain later but basically I was feeling dangerous, I'm dressed as Ann Romney and Ann Romney is a bad bitch.
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
did i make more ranch sandwiches last night
you had 4
Just cried watching Wimbledon, worst comedown ever.
Just spilled a coffee mug full of scolding hot oatmeal on my bare dick. Hope you're having a good Friday night too.
Apparently I blamed my BAC on the Saint Louis Cardinals...how is that not a valid excuse?!
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
Yeah! Just remind me to. I'll also bring the blow up penis
I don't WANT a sex disease! Especially one assigned to me by my supervisor..
Randomize
