Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
I cont stop tolking in a british axsent
There's a Cowboys game and a Rangers game on at the same time...talk about Sophie's choice
So after your 27th or so beer, you gave me songs you want to have used if you're ever on intervention.
The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
I am not old enough to be running into past fucks at the bank. This is at least a twenty five year old milestone.
ill do whatever it takes for me to get more high and eat pie
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
Just remembered i had an ordained minister bless my booze last night.
someone made her a trophy at 4 in the morning and presented it to her in the bathtub
the fact that you have a guy named the "i want you to tie me up and fuck me" guy speaks volumes about your life.
Just got a 15 minute lecture from a drag queen about how bisexuality doesn't exist. Cher would be so disappointed in her.
It was like being run over by an orgasm freight train.
It's 7am. I'm sitting on the curb in last nights clothes with a nose bleed and no idea how to get home. Low moment I feel.
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
Randomize
